Well it has been quite some time since i last wrote something. 15 years has gone by. Today is July 4th 2025. Since my last post i have also lost paw-paw. He passed away on December 28th 2023. This has been super hard on me. I was really close to my grandparents. He was it, the last of my support system. First my grandmother, then my aunt, then my dad, my mom and finally my grandpa. I know its inevitable, everything must die. I was just hoping not this soon. I feel alone in the world. I had a great support system within my wife, but that to has changed. I've been out of work for a little over a year now. I'm constantly applying at places but I'm having no luck. I've had a few interviews, but nothing has panned out. Between this and my wife slowly with drawing I've been getting discouraged. Like what's the point? It seems like nothing i do is right. I didn't know how to deal with this all so i delt with it the only way i could, i hid. I hid myself in video games, where people needed me and wanted me. The issue with this was while being happy in a fictional world I've neglected the real world. I shut myself out to everyone around me. Obviously that wasn't the way i should have handled it, but at the time it was the only way I knew to escape the emptiness. Around this time my wife was starting to with draw as well. There was no more support. We got along, but it was like we were just room mates. The reality of me living in this fantasy world was very damaging. Although i seemed happy, all i was really doing was pushing my family away. I neglected everything around me. My relationships with my wife and kids were dwindling, the house was a mess, and my health was in the dumpster. But hey, my fictional world was thriving. What an idiot I was. Erin and I got into an argument a few months back. She said things need to change. She even threatened to leave. I started to realize then that something had to change. She was the only one working. She was the one doing everything to make sure everyone was taken care of. And what was I doing? Not a thing, just living in a fantasy world. So for a couple of weeks I did change. I started to help out around the house more. Doing things that i should be doing. I admit it didn't last long. I started working on cleaning the laundry room up. I was washing all the stuff that's been collecting in there for who knows how long. I got to a point where i needed Erin's help to go through some of the stuff, as i didn't know if the things left were any good or not. She never did want to come help. She said to just make a decision, that it was the girls stuff. All i wanted was to have some togetherness. Some team work again. But that team work never came. I still felt alone. Every day Erin came home from work and just sat on the couch, either watching tv, playing on her phone or both. I felt like I was still alone. There was no more casual conversations anymore. No more of her telling me stories about what happened at work. Only things that were said were things like "I'm going to the store" or "I'm going to the bathroom" or "I'm going to get Skylar/Taylor from work". That was it. So what did I do, I with drew and went back to my safe space. I knew things needed to change, but i didn't know how to do it alone. Erin already checked out, and i partially didn't blame her. She had spent the last almost year doing it on her own. It got worse and worse. No more dinners, she would get frozen things and Skylar would heat her up dinner, but not me. So i continued to with draw. I started talking to someone i met from a game. It was nothing serious, it was just a place i was getting attention. It was just a friend that we both were having similar issue's that we talked each other through. It was nothing more than that. Erin did find out about it. Someone sent her a convo i had with them saying i was ready to leave everything for her. That may have been said but that wasn't true. When people are looking for attention they say stupid things that aren't always true. The truth was I just wanted my wife's attention back and i was looking for it in all the wrong places. I get Erin was upset. I don't blame her. Here we were supposedly working things through and i did that. I've never wanted anyone but Erin. I've dedicated the last 21 years of my life to that woman and to this day there is no one else that I want. We talked about it some and she said she didn't know if she could move past that. I explained to her that it was nothing. That it was just a friend. I even brought up the past about what she did. She sent a video of herself masterbating to a guy she met on a game. When i found out and addressed her about it she begged and pleaded me not to leave,. She said she couldn't live without me and that she would kill herself. We were going through some stuff then and I thought about it all. We worked through it and everything was fine. I told her if i could move past that then why couldn't she move past this. When i say that nothing happened, i meant it. all we did was talk. Erin said "that was 10 years ago" and "your different from me". Time doesn't make it any less destructive. This discussion was on June 18th I believe. That's when she told me "tomorrow I'm going to put a deposit on a place", that she was moving out. My entire world collapsed. I never thought that she would actually do that. I always thought that we would work through this. But nope, she had enough. I spent the next few days begging and pleading with her not to do this. She continued to say that this doesn't mean its over, just we needed to separate and work on ourselves. I see it different. I see it as an issue that we need to work on together. Clearly working separately didn't work. I asked here where was I supposed to go? She said I should go stay with my sister for a while. This statement tells me it wasn't a temporary thing. My sister lives three hours away, how could I work on fixing anything and showing her that I really want this from three hours away? I told her that the reality of that is if I went there and found a job there, then we worked though this then what? I would have to leave my job to come back here to no job. I asked her what about the house here? What about the home that WE built. None of that mattered. None of that changed anything. She knew that I have nothing. That i don't have the support system that she has. I realized at this point I was losing my best friend, my support system, my partner, my wife. I realized that now I truly am alone. July 1st came quick, that was moving day, the day I was dreading. In comes her team of supporters to help her. My mother in law, after 21 years with her daughter came into my house and didn't even have the courtesy of saying hello. That was pretty shitty. This situation between Erin and I was created by both of us. We both have faults in this. But I'm to blame. I don't blame her from coming to help, Erin is her daughter after all. I just considered Shannon better than that. She always had good head on her shoulder and always played devils advocate trying to view both sides. Nope, not this time. All this things I've done to help her over the years through all of her past relationships and hard times all forgotten. Its funny that in bad times no one remembers the good times. The good things that were done. Even when the good times far out number the bad, it doesn't matter. Shannon did eventually tell me hi. I'm assuming Erin told her something when i Said something to her. All that's viewed is the bad. I had a text conversation with Taylor last night. The only one of my kids that have reached out to me. She said "I really feel like after a few months if you can prove to momma that you changed, she'll let you come with us". I thought about that for a bit. As much as I love Erin and want this to be ok I don't know what the future holds. I responded back to Taylor with this, "Its like when you have some new cool toy, everyone wants to be your friend. Until its not new and cool anymore, then no one wants to be your friend. This is the same. Everything is fine when I'm up and doing good. But when I'm down and need the help and support, my main support system leaves me. This will do nothing but drive us apart more. So it doesn't matter how much time passes. When I recover and get back up, why should I want to go back? There's no support system left. We had things to work on, no doubt. I understand she was upset and mad. She made a choice. One that didn't involve me as her partner. One that excluded me. That's not love. 21 years we have worked together. Through good times, sad times and bad times. That was a partnership. This decision want. She gave up. She quit". This hurts so much because we did work so well together, I didn't want this outcome. At some point we stopped communicating. We both got frustrated and just stopped. I even brought up going to marriage counseling to help resolve this. Sure its not cheap, but we could have figured it out. That wasn't an option for her. So that means to me she's complete done. So here I am, July 4th, sitting home alone, for the first time ever. I've lost the love of my life. I now have to figure out what to do with this house. I need to contact the mortgage company to see what my options are. I plan on doing that Monday. I've been constantly applying at more places. Part of me is why do I keep looking here? I wont be able to to stay here. Soon I wont have much of a choice but to leave the area. I've always been a happy carefree person. But not anymore. I am so lost right now. Part of me wants to just drive as fast as i can into on coming traffic. That way i wont feel this pain anymore. All I know is my best friend, my partner in this shitty world has left. After 21 years of traversing this ugly world together I don't know how to do it alone anymore. Nor am I sure I want to. I now wake up to an empty quiet house. No more kids arguing or screaming. No more law and order constantly in the back ground. No more laughing throughout the house. No more family dinners. Its just nothing. A void of silence. Maybe ill update this in a few weeks. But I don't see anything changing. If not I just want to say thank you Erin for giving me the best 21 years of my life. For giving me three beautiful girls. For showing me what love is. You were my everything. I'm sorry for not being the partner you deserved.
